Monday, April 17, 2006
Ketchup, Part I
Narrator: The goldfish post has been made possible in part by the Ketchup Advisory Board...
{gentle piano music begins}
Fred: These are the good years for Bar and me. The kids have moved out and gotten married or gone to college. We are persuing our hobbies, taking time to savor the things that we didn't have time for as parents. The kids still call on weekends, visit on holidays...but we have free time to ourselves. It's a wonderful period of our lives.
Of course, health isn't what it used to be.
Bar: Oh Fred, it's not that bad. Hypertension affects millions of people our age and you can still live for years and years without worrying.
Fred: Bar, stop it.
Bar: Oh, Fred, I mean it, I...
Fred: No seriously Bar, stop it. Those are the exact words that they said on "Providence" last night to the grocer the day before he had a heart attack. You're freaking me out.
Bar: Didn't the grocer survive?
Fred: That's not the point, Bar. I would just as soon avoid the whole thing altogether.
Bar: Oh, Fred, aren't you making too much of this?
Fred: You can't make too much of these things, Bar. I have to make lifestyle changes. I am starting a more vigorous exercise regimen next week that will replace our morning walks. No more staying up late to do crosswords. No more cigars, not even to celebrate. No more fatty foods or salty snacks. I am going to start by throwing out the rest of these delicious but sodium-laced Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers that we've been eating nonstop for the last month.
Bar: But Fred, can't hypertension also be caused by too much stress?
Fred: What's your point, Bar?
Bar: Well, I'm no doctor, but maybe you're just not getting enough Ketchup.
Fred: Ketchup?
Bar: Ketchup is nutritious and has natural mellowing agents that can reduce stress levels. Why don't we make sure you get some more Ketchup in your diet before we try any of those other crazy ideas you had?
Fred: Well...
Bar: Why don't I start by bringing you a nice plate of Goldfish crackers with Ketchup? Doesn't that sound nice?
Fred: {sigh} Yes, Bar. That does sound nice.
{piano crescendos, singing begins}
Singer: These are the good years
for fulfilling our old wishes
Spending time with the one you love
doing crosswords or the dishes
{piano interlude two measures long, then changes to relative minor key}
Life is flowing like ketchup on goldfishes...
{returns to major key; crescendos}
Narrator: Ketchup. For the good times.
{piano swells to climax}
Singer: Ketchup! Ketchup!
{piano ends on V chord}
{gentle piano music begins}
Fred: These are the good years for Bar and me. The kids have moved out and gotten married or gone to college. We are persuing our hobbies, taking time to savor the things that we didn't have time for as parents. The kids still call on weekends, visit on holidays...but we have free time to ourselves. It's a wonderful period of our lives.
Of course, health isn't what it used to be.
Bar: Oh Fred, it's not that bad. Hypertension affects millions of people our age and you can still live for years and years without worrying.
Fred: Bar, stop it.
Bar: Oh, Fred, I mean it, I...
Fred: No seriously Bar, stop it. Those are the exact words that they said on "Providence" last night to the grocer the day before he had a heart attack. You're freaking me out.
Bar: Didn't the grocer survive?
Fred: That's not the point, Bar. I would just as soon avoid the whole thing altogether.
Bar: Oh, Fred, aren't you making too much of this?
Fred: You can't make too much of these things, Bar. I have to make lifestyle changes. I am starting a more vigorous exercise regimen next week that will replace our morning walks. No more staying up late to do crosswords. No more cigars, not even to celebrate. No more fatty foods or salty snacks. I am going to start by throwing out the rest of these delicious but sodium-laced Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers that we've been eating nonstop for the last month.
Bar: But Fred, can't hypertension also be caused by too much stress?
Fred: What's your point, Bar?
Bar: Well, I'm no doctor, but maybe you're just not getting enough Ketchup.
Fred: Ketchup?
Bar: Ketchup is nutritious and has natural mellowing agents that can reduce stress levels. Why don't we make sure you get some more Ketchup in your diet before we try any of those other crazy ideas you had?
Fred: Well...
Bar: Why don't I start by bringing you a nice plate of Goldfish crackers with Ketchup? Doesn't that sound nice?
Fred: {sigh} Yes, Bar. That does sound nice.
{piano crescendos, singing begins}
Singer: These are the good years
for fulfilling our old wishes
Spending time with the one you love
doing crosswords or the dishes
{piano interlude two measures long, then changes to relative minor key}
Life is flowing like ketchup on goldfishes...
{returns to major key; crescendos}
Narrator: Ketchup. For the good times.
{piano swells to climax}
Singer: Ketchup! Ketchup!
{piano ends on V chord}
5 Comments:
My favorite part of the commerical is always the catchy jingle, you know the kind that gets stuck in your head? Thank you ketchup advisory board!
For the love of all that is good and holy, please resolve!!
Long live NPR and Garrison Keeler. Oh, that Garrison Keeler. "He is a gentleman and a scholar."
Like Baxter...
I'm sitting on pins and needles. No really, I am. I'm bleeding.
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